I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I intend to get homeless drunk
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
