well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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