Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
