If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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