she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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