it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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