Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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