cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
