so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
