can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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