Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
