Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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