Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
