paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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