My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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