My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Randomize
