if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
