So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
