just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
