he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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