just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
