Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
