The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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