I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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