she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
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