i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
The uberlube is also flammable
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
