I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
