we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
