I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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