Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
