Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
