your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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