I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I said "one day" and that day is not today
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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