Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
