Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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