also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
