I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
