I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
