I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
