My cat gives me a boner
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
