I feel like abortions should bother me more
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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