life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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