On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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