need another drink. this is the easiest way
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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