this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
