I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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