quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
