Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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