I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
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