Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
