The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
