Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
