Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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