Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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