can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
