I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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