By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
