Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I checked into jail on foursquare
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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