I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
