Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
