I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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