the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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