As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Randomize
