Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
